I don’t like funerals. I really don’t like funerals. I realized how much I don’t like them when I couldn’t get out of the car. I sat in my car, in the parking lot, for a good 20 minutes before I drove away. I drove about 5 miles before I decided to flip around and try it one more time.
Take 2. What’s worse than a funeral? I will tell you, Going to one alone. With all my will I tried to leave again,but I couldn’t. I had to go in. My sense of reason spoke too loud to ignore. Although it initially felt like torture, I knew i had to do it…for me.
It was beautiful, touching, and quite healing. What a great man who was loved and adored by so many. I feel lucky to have known him. Although we lost touch over the last few years, my life was still molded by his beautiful soul.
I met him at a monumental time in my life. He taught me to be true to myself. He supported me as I was. He had a heart of gold and i always felt safe in his presence. He was fun, a jokester most of the time. Behind that sweet smile and beaming eyes was a prankster waiting for a chance. What a man. God, what a man. A man I am blessed to have known. A man the world was lucky to have. During the service I looked around and saw many faces that confirmed this truth.
I am not a religious girl. Spiritual, yes..but religious, not so much. I have my ideas about the “afterlife,” but I have just as many doubts. I am a logical person and logic tends to interfere.
Suicide. What a thing…. A thing that many don’t want to talk about, but I do. It’s too prominent to ignore. There is so much stigma attached to the action. I used to buy into it, but not anymore. I have seen too many great souls commit suicide. I don’t see eternal damnation…. I see forgiveness. We all mess up. We all make poor decisions. Hell, who is even to judge that the decision was poor? Not me. I won’t… I can’t.
I love you C.C.J. Thank you for everything.